Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Thu Dec 09, 2004 at 10:36:49 pm EST
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In that case: Three Families, Number Five sans the full Uhuna Effect
Originally
Very little help
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HH
Thu Dec 09, 2004 at 10:27:43 pm EST
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Three Families, Part Five


Visionary, Hallie, Artemis, and Glory escaped a vicious encounter with members of the Yakuza Spider Clan after a car chase that produced several fatalities on the villain’s side. Now, puzzled law enforcement officials try to put together what happened…

The Office of Paranormal Security’s Forensics Unit had taken over the Paradopolis PD’s impound yard, establishing a perimeter around the wrecked ambulance and flexing their bureaucratic muscle toward any representative of the department who got too close.

Abby St. Germain shooed away a would-be applicant for CSI: Paradopolis with a satisfied smirk. Her partner, Lester Dawes, sidled next to her.

“Still chasing away the techno-geeks?” he asked rhetorically.

Abby glanced over at him and sighed, “It’s like high school all over again. Oh, look who’s coming.”

Lee O’Callahan, chief coroner for the Paradopolis Police Department, stalked into the garage. Walking alongside her was a man with whom both agents had had a passing acquaintance.

“Them,” Lee gestured to the two, “They’re the ones running things.”

Hatman smiled, “Agents Dawes and St. Germain. Good to see you.”

“Likewise, Mr. Boaz.”

“I was speaking with Detective O’Callahan and she said you may be able to explain why she has been denied access to her lab. Her team needs to get to work on those bodies brought in from the crash.”

“Well, sir, the Office of Paranormal Security has jurisdiction over any and all cases involving meta humans. We’re simply doing our duty,” Agent Dawes explained.

“And that requires shutting out the local authorities?” Jay shook his head, “That’s inappropriate. The Paradopolis Police are highly skilled, dedicated people. Not allowing them to help is a mistake.”

Abby shot back, “We will be sharing all information with them when we’re done. But it’s the locals who screwed the pooch on this. They let the prisoner escape their custody.”

“Based on the assumption it was you guys who wanted her!” Lee objected.

“We have no evidence of that,” Lester managed to say with a straight face. Noticing the hard stare Hatman was giving him, he coughed politely and asked, “Uh, when will Visionary be available for questioning?”

“The Legion is conducting that portion of the investigation. But back to the matter at hand: I would greatly appreciate it if OPS involved Lee and her office. You are squandering a valuable resource here.”

Dawes and St. Germain looked at the young man for a couple beats, but finally relented.

“Thank you,” Hatman nodded, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed back at the mansion.”

And so the Lair Legion’s Tactical Advisor and Liaison Officer left to get some answers from his own recalcitrant teammates.

*****


Visionary sat in the kitchen and stirred his melted Rocky Road absently, “So, I don’t have to answer any questions?”

“Not without your lawyer present, no,” Lisa replied.

“And you’re my lawyer?”

“Yes. And Artemis’s, and Hallie’s, and Glory’s if she consents.”

“Where is Glory?” the possibly fake man grew concerned.

“Off sulking, I imagine. Yo’s going to track her down.”

“Good. Good,” Visionary thought for a moment, “How are we going to be able to get this sorted out if I don’t answer any questions?”

“Since when has your involvement in a situation ever proved necessary towards solving it?” the woman grinned and took a salacious sampling of the Kool Whip atop her friend’s sundae.

“Oh, be quiet. All you ever do is pick and pick and pick,” Asil took offense at her genetic donor’s treatment of the Great Man, “Anyway, we know how to solve this problem. We get Mr. Epitome to confess it was all his idea.”

“Good luck with that,” Lisa said facetiously.

“Those guys that attacked us, we need to go after them too. They’re a little too ah, aggressive to let run around loose,” Vizh changed the subject.

“Any idea who they were?”

Visionary stared at his rapidly thawing dessert, “Maybe. Or maybe an idea of who does know….”

*****


The Kumoyabun’s fangs punctured the torso of the prostitute, instantly killing her and silencing her screams of terror. He drained the body of all its fluids in less than a minute’s time, and then threw the husk to the side with the others. His hunger sated, the beast at last felt ready to discuss business.

“So, the woman plans to tax us out of business?” he asked with his human mouth, which was nestled snugly between his large, venomous mandibles.

“It would seem so, oyabun,” Gihei replied, “Akiko Masamune made no overt threats, but clearly she is attempting to goad a confrontation.”

“Clearly,” the Kumoyabun scratched his hairy belly with arms as thick as tree trunks. A set of smaller, more naked limbs remained folded across his chest, “What else did the witch say?”

“She warned us against going after the super heroes.”

The Kumoyabun chuckled, “Super heroes? What a ridiculous name. Garish, attention-seeking fools, is what they are,” the creature pondered for a moment.

“Gihei.”

“Yes, uncle?” the adviser to the Yakuza Spider Clan asked.

“Find me a super hero. I want to eat him.”

In the dank warehouse basement the Kumoyabun rested on his goatish haunches and closed all of his eyes. He would show Masamune exactly what he thought of her advice.

*****


“Glory!!” Yo called down the fifty foot hole the Dog Dynamo had carved into the island’s bedrock, “Is to be coming out now! Yo have founded cute puppy!”

There were sounds of scratching as Glory worked her way out of her make-shift hiding place, “I am so sorry.”

The thought being stroked the dirt off of Glory’s back, “Yo is knowing.”

“I did not mean for Professor Visionary to be endangered. Or to get in trouble with the authorities.”

Yo stood from his/her crouch and looked back to the mansion. It was late, close to midnight, but the building was well illuminated, as its occupants worked to deal with the situation they were handed. Glory could hear them. People she deceived and put at risk, making every effort to clean up the mess she had caused.

“I want to help. What can I do?”

“Cute Glory can be helping if she is to be telling where Mr. Epitoming is hiding.”

“He is not hiding,” the Pooch of Power explained, “He is on a mission. I do not know where, but if it was not very important he would be here looking after Artemis.”

“Ah, well, then. Then Glory can be helping Yo by not being so sad. A happy Glory is meaning a happy Yo, and a happy Yo is a productive Yo.”

Glory wagged her tail and woofed an affirmation. That, she could do.

*****


The man who had adopted the alias of Brett Kiernen knew he was lucky. As lives on the run went, this one was blesses. Göteborg was a charming little city, still in its growing pains of changing over from a manufacturing economy to an intelligence based one. Many high tech companies made Göteborg their home, which provided Brett with an opportunity to apply his electro-chemical manipulation powers in the field of corporate espionage. It wasn’t glamorous, but it paid well and let him act as his own boss, and gave him the chance to wreak havoc on the brains of the best and the brightest.

Brett had taken steps to blend in to the college town. His formerly close cropped hair was allowed to grow out, and he sported several days’ growth of stubble. He wore a pair of yellow tinted aviator frames and an earring stud. Jeans and a faded army jacket completed the disguise. To his neighbors in the apartment complex he looked like another scruffy programmer.

The fugitive took the keys from his belt chain and unlocked the door to his flat. Brett was halfway across his living room when he was struck in the shoulder by a grapefruit sized projectile. It sprayed him with a gritty opaque substance, which quickly coated him, his carpet, and his expensive Swedish furniture.

A man in grey camofluage charged him from his dining room. Instinctively Brett gestured, expecting his powers to incinerate the intruder.

There was a pop of static, and nothing more.

Before Brett could try any other method of self defense the man was upon him, beating him mercilessly and efficiently with a hard rubber truncheon. The stranger drove him to the ground and then produced a heavy plastic cord, which he looped around Brett’s neck. Forcing Brett onto his stomach he stomped a rubber soled boot in between his shoulder blades and pinned him to the floor. He yanked the customized garrote just taut enough to let only a mere wisp of breath escape Brett’s mouth and lungs.

Mr. Epitome crouched down by his quarry’s ear and hissed with an unprofessional amount of malice, “Hello, Exemplary. You’ve been drafted into service by the Grey Eminence. I’m here to conduct your physical.”

And the Star Spangled Splendor proceeded to beat the former agent of the Shadow Cabinet to a bloody pulp.

*****


When Charlotte Ouk awoke she was amazed to learn all of her injuries were healed. A pretty, auburn haired young woman sat at her bedside.

“You’re up, good,” she extended her hand, “I am Uhunaluna.”

Charlotte took her hand and shook it politely, “Artemis.”

“A pleasure to meet you, Artemis.”

“Likewise. Um, how long have I been unconscious?” given the nature of her injuries, Charlotte would have expected months to have passed before her wounds would have healed. But her muscles did not feel the slightest bit atrophied, which was what would have happened if she had been in some form of coma.

“A few hours, maybe. You needed the rest, even with me healing your injuries.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Be sure to thank Hatman too. He took on the wounds.”

Charlotte looked distressed, “He did what?”

The Abhuman smiled, “Don’t worry,” she assured her patient, “He used one of his hats to amplify his own healing factor. He’ll be fine in a few hours. Though he has become uncharacteristically grumpy. At least I think he’s grumpy: ‘bub’ isn’t a term of endearment, is it?”

“I don’t know. So, who should I talk to about getting out of here?” Artemis slowly rose.

“Well, I guess you need to speak with Yo. S/he’s in charge when Sir Mumphrey isn’t about. Or maybe Lisa, since I think she’s the one really in charge and we’re not supposed to know it. Or maybe you can talk to Hatman, once he comes back from his efforts of ‘scrounging up some flamin’ singing hinnies.’”

“Oh, OK. Ah, would it be possible for me to get some clothes? I’m feeling kind of naked here.”

“Oh, sure. You are very tall for a human female, but we should be able to find something in your size,” Uhuna pondered, “What do you suppose one does with a flaming singing hinny. Do you dance with it? Use it for illumination?”

“I’m sure I don’t know. Now, about those pants…”

Next time: Artemis meets Kerry. Visionary gets a history lesson from Akiko Masamune. The Kumoyabun goes hero hunting, and finds one. Exemplary learns about his new position. And Hallie catches up with Mr. Epitome. The end is in sight, and its more than welcome.

Some new players in our drama get footnoted:

Agents Lester Dawes and Abby St. Germain: are two investigators in the Office of Paranormal Security’s Epitome Division. They seem to be two of Mr. Epitome’s most trusted aides. They ran met Hatman and a couple other Legionnaires back around Mr. Epitome #32. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.

Lee O’ Callahan: is the chief coroner for the Paradopolis Police Department. An extremely competent forensic detective, she has aided the heroes of the Parodyverse on past cases.

Exemplary: a former agent for the conspiratorial Shadow Cabinet, the group that sought to resurrect a Machine God but instead kicked off the Resolution Prophesy, this powerful villain has been on the run since his chief backer Edward Cromlyn was defeated circa Untold Tales #128. It looks like he may be getting a new sponsor now, though. More on this next time.

Uhunaluna Whosis … RIP: was an Abhuman gifted with the ability to transfer injuries and ailments from one person to the next. Note this story takes place before the Transworld Challenge, which is why she and Hallie are both hale and hearty.

And speaking of challenges: Can anyone tell me what hat was used by the Capped Crusader to allow him to take on Artemis’s wounds? The hints are there, and at least one member of the board is very familiar with the cap in question. Bonus points if you can identify a flamin’ singing hinny.




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